As I was meditating on what pastor mark preached yesterday. I realised that ALL THE WHILE, I've been too HARD on myself. Why do I keep others secret so well was because I kept my own darkest secrets well. Pastor was preaching about parental love. I really love the part where he could link an act of love of a earthly father and our heavenly father.

Years ago, I remember there was a overseas preacher who was preaching in e prospective of a earthly father. Saying that the children looks up to their father, respect their fathers. At that moment, I thought that message was crap because I've never really received any fatherly love and I felt that the message wasn't for me.

But as pastor was preaching yesterday, tears just flowed down. I was being separate from my family for a period of time, time to time.. I changed accommodations, meaning different houses, different guardians. I've never really knew what was parental love.

At the age of 13, I moved back with my mum. Our relationship was so bad that...... She "may" be a key figure in my life as my mum, but she has her flaws too. I never felt she should have authority over me when she had no contribution for e past 7yrs away from me.

I realized after yesterday's preaching that how impt LOVE is. Nobody have ever said they love me, that was why I became a person with least emotions. Being very hard of myself. All I ever wanted to do is only do things that benefited myself. A lot of self efforts. But still I thank Daddy God for his grace that he delivered me out. I realized that, it is so impt to hear "I LOVE YOU" out of that person's lips rather than just "knowing" he/she should love you. Its easy to say "Jesus loves me" but its different when he says "I LOVE YOU IVY". (:

Ps: Daddy God, teach me how to love myself. How can I love others when I can't even love myself?